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P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

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P. J. O'Rourke
November 14, 1947 -
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.


There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.


There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.


The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.


There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.


Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

    Topics: Family

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.


The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.


Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.


Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.


Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.


Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.


A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.


Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.


The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.


I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.


Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.


Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.


Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.


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