 The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich. |
| If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult. |
| Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. |
| Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. |
| Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort. |
| Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. |
| The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. |
| Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy. |
| Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. |
| A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. |
| If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography. |
| Never wear anything that panics the cat. |
| Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers. |
| Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. |
| You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money. |
| In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character. |
| The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? |
| You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. |
| Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us. |
| If government were a product, selling it would be illegal. |
