 Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! |
| People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. |
| I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine. |
| Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. |
| There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years. |
| Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin. |
| You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered. |
| You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out. |
| I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. |
| The next time you have a thought... let it go. |
| I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. |
| I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part. |
| But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever. |
| I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling. |
| There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong. |
| My goal is just to become a better comedian. |
| The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off. |
| I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers. |
| I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. |
| I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow. |
