And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. |
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. |
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. |
I'm a hero with coward's legs. |
It's all in the mind, you know. |
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. |
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. |
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. |
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. |
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. |
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? |
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. |
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. |
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. |
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. |
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. |
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. |
I can speak Esperanto like a native. |
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. |
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. |