 Give me liberty or a bran muffin! |
| My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. |
| I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. |
| My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! |
| Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. |
| And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. |
| We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. |
| The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. |
| The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. |
| Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? |
| I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. |
| This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. |
| Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. |
| Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! |
| There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. |
| I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. |
| As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. |
| To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. |
| You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. |
| We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. |
