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David Letterman Quotes

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David Letterman
April 12, 1947 -
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?


Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.


It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.


USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.


I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.


Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.


New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.


A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.


The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.


We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.


No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.


Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.


The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.


For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.


Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.


President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.


Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?


Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.


Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.


We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.


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