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Dennis Miller Quotes

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Dennis Miller
November 3, 1953 -
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.


Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.


If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.


Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.


One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.


A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.


Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.


President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.


Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.


What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.


I lapsed into rude.


The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.


Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.


Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.


You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.


The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.


I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.


A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.


The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.


You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.


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