 At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. |
| When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. |
| You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. |
| I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. |
| Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. |
| Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. |
| I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. |
| I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. |
| I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. |
| A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. |
| My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. |
| Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? |
| I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. |
| I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. |
| People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. |
| I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' |
| When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. |
| In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. |
| I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. |
| England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. |
