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Emo Philips Quotes

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Emo Philips
February 7, 1956 -
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.


You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.


I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.


Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.


Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.


I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.


I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.


I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.


Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?


I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.


I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.


I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'


When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.


In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.


I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.


England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.


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