 All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first. |
| The most dangerous food is wedding cake. |
| There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception. |
| The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth. |
| The animals that depend on instinct have an inherent knowledge of the laws of economics and of how to apply them; Man, with his powers of reason, has reduced economics to the level of a farce which is at once funnier and more tragic than Tobacco Road. |
| The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals. |
| I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance. |
| Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? |
| One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough. |
| The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it. |
| With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs. |
| He who hesitates is sometimes saved. |
| Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. |
| I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40. |
| The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel. |
| A drawing is always dragged down to the level of its caption. |
| Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man. |
| Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband). |
| It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. |
| It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all. |
