 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. |
| The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! |
| Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. |
| The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. |
| To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. |
| A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. |
| You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." Topics: Age |
| Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. |
| There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." |
| I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. |
| Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. |
| A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. |
| Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. Topics: Children |
| Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. |
| That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. Topics: Christmas |
| There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Topics: Family, Funny |
| My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. Topics: Age |
| People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. |
| It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. |
