 Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. Author: Robert Benchley |
| All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. Author: W. C. Fields |
| The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. Author: Quentin Crisp |
| Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Author: Phyllis Diller |
| Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them. Author: Abraham Lincoln |
| Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. Author: Gracie Allen |
| Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own. Author: Ethel Merman |
| I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Author: Bernard Manning |
| If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? Author: John Cleese |
| So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. Author: Will Rogers |
| The man who bears my name, and who claims to be me, was born on July 15, 1865, the sixth in a family of seven. He was an ugly child, and remained ugly till his eighteenth year, when his looks gradually improved. Author: Laurence Housman |
| My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can't make your children carry. Author: Bill Bryson |
| I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Author: Ronald Reagan |
| The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic. Author: Bill Cosby |
| The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. Author: Dave Barry |
| There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Author: Jerry Seinfeld |
| I'm not cynical about marriage or romance. I enjoyed being married. And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk of dating someone who'd owned a lunch box with my picture on it. Author: Shaun Cassidy |
| If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. Author: Zig Ziglar |
| How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. Author: Abraham Lincoln |
| The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Author: Ronald Reagan |
