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Funny Quotes

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       Selected quotes and sayings on Funny. Famous Funny quotes. Best quotes, free quotes, funny, quotes and sayings, phrases, thoughts, inspirational, wisdom, motivational, quotations, inspiring and witty.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

    Author: Robert Benchley

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

    Author: W. C. Fields

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

    Author: Quentin Crisp

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

    Author: Phyllis Diller

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

    Author: Abraham Lincoln

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

    Author: Gracie Allen

Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own.

    Author: Ethel Merman

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

    Author: Bernard Manning

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

    Author: John Cleese

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

    Author: Will Rogers

The man who bears my name, and who claims to be me, was born on July 15, 1865, the sixth in a family of seven. He was an ugly child, and remained ugly till his eighteenth year, when his looks gradually improved.

    Author: Laurence Housman

My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can't make your children carry.

    Author: Bill Bryson

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

    Author: Ronald Reagan

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

    Author: Bill Cosby

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

    Author: Dave Barry

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

    Author: Jerry Seinfeld

I'm not cynical about marriage or romance. I enjoyed being married. And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk of dating someone who'd owned a lunch box with my picture on it.

    Author: Shaun Cassidy

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag.

    Author: Zig Ziglar

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

    Author: Abraham Lincoln

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

    Author: Ronald Reagan

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