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Phyllis Diller Quotes

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Phyllis Diller
July 17, 1917 -
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.


You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.


I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

    Topics: Funny

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.


I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.


If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.


A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.


The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.


Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.


My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.


Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.


The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.


Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.


You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.


My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.


I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?


Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

    Topics: Children, Funny

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

    Topics: Children

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