 Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs. |
| A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. |
| I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! |
| If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics. |
| Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. |
| We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can. |
| The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. |
| I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. |
| The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. |
| I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father." |
| Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. |
| Prohibition is better than no liquor at all. |
| I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one. |
| An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. |
| It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so. |
| Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. |
| Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have. |
| I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. |
| This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. |
| There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. |
