 Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. |
| My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. |
| Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. |
| Never floss with a stranger. |
| Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. |
| My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. |
| Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. |
| I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. |
| It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. |
| She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. |
| I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. |
| I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. |
| Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. |
| I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. |
| Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. |
