 I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. |
| It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. |
| They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. |
| I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. |
| In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. |
| Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? |
| A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. |
| Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. |
| When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. |
| Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. |
| Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. |
| Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? |
| I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. |
| Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' |
| My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. |
| Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? |
| I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. |
| The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. |
| To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." |
| My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. |
