 Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? |
| Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price. |
| With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal! |
| If you can laugh together, you can work together. |
| In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh. |
| Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! |
| A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success. |
| There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. |
| Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. |
| Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. |
| Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator. |
| Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. |
| Quit worrying about your health. It will go away. |
| Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. |
| Do your kids a favor - don't have any. |
| What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds. |
| Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. |
| I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself. |
| A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. |
| Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. |
