 Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. |
| Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. |
| Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of. |
| Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. |
| Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. |
| Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. |
| Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. |
| In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. |
| Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. |
| Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. |
| A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. |
| Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. |
| Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. |
| It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better. |
| Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. |
| Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. |
| History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. |
| The covers of this book are too far apart. |
| We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. |
| Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke. |
