 A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. |
| Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. |
| Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. |
| Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. |
| When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. |
| If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. |
| The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. |
| What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. |
| I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. |
| I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. |
| If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. |
| Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. |
| A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. |
| She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. |
| This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. |
| My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? |
| My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. |
| Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. |
| While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. |
| I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. |
