 Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. |
| When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain. |
| You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. Topics: Education |
| The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him. |
| There's no down time any more. |
| I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. Topics: Family |
| Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. |
| The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. |
| I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. |
| I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away. |
| I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points. |
| You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. |
| Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist. |
| It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old. |
| That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring. |
| If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' |
| If men have a smell it's usually an accident. |
| Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on. |
| What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do. |
| Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? |
