 The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house. |
| If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. |
| I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie. |
| Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? |
| Nothing in life prepares you to be famous. |
| People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school. |
| The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more. |
| If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. |
| I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. |
| Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip. |
| If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck. |
| My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family. |
| It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time. |
| For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. |
| You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more. |
| If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck. |
| Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling. |
| I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family. |
| If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. |
| You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. |
