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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Mitch Hedberg
February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.


I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.


I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.


Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.


I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.


I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.


I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.


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