 All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. |
| If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. |
| My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' |
| If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. |
| I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. |
| I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. |
| I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. |
| This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. |
| I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. |
| I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. |
| Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. |
| I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. |
| I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. |
| I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. |
| Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? |
| A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. |
| I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. |
| I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. |
| I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. |
| I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. |
