 I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. |
| If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. |
| Dogs are forever in the push up postion. |
| I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. |
| I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. |
| I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. |
| An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. |
| I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. |
| I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. |
| When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. |
| The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. |
| I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. |
| I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. |
| My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. |
| Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' |
| A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. |
| I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. |
| I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. |
| I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. |
| Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. |
