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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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Rodney Dangerfield
November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.


My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.


What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.


On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.


My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.


My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.


I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.


With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.


My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'


I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.


I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.


I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.


One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.


A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.


My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.


I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.


I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.


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