 At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. |
| My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. |
| What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. |
| On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. |
| My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. |
| My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. |
| I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. |
| With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. |
| My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. |
| My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. |
| Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' |
| I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. |
| I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. |
| I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. |
| One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. |
| A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. |
| It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. |
| My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. |
| I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. |
| I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. |
