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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes


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Rodney Dangerfield
November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

Life is just a bowl of pits.

   

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

   

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

   

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

   

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

   

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

   

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

   

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

    Topics: Funny Love

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

   

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

   

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

   

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

   

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

   

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

   

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

   

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

   

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

   

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

   

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