Life is just a bowl of pits. |
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. |
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. |
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. |
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. |
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. |
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. |
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. |
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Topics: Funny Love |
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! |
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. |
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. |
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. |
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. |
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. |
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. |
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. |
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. |
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. |
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. |