 I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. |
| Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. |
| Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. |
| You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. |
| It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. |
| I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. |
| I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. |
| Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. |
| If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. |
| If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. |
| The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. |
| The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. |
| Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. |
| I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. |
| Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. |
| Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. Topics: Children |
| A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. |
| I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. |
| I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. |
| I never met a kid I liked. |
