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W. C. Fields Quotes


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W. C. Fields
January 29, 1880 - December 25, 1946
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

   

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

   

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

   

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

   

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

   

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

   

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

   

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

   

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

   

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

   

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

   

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

   

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

   

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

   

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

    Topics: Children

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

   

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

   

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

   

I never met a kid I liked.

   

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