 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. |
| The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. |
| If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Topics: Cute |
| It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. |
| Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. |
| Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. |
| Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? |
| If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' |
| Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. |
| Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. |
| The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. |
| It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. |
| I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. |
| Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. |
| The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. |
| As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. |
| In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. |
| It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. |
| We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. |
| We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. |
