 There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. |
| A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. |
| My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. |
| Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. |
| When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me". |
| My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. |
| It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. |
| Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. |
| For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. |
| Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. |
| I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. |
| There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. |
| It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. |
| People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. |
| Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids. |
| Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. |
| God created man, but I could do better. |
| My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? |
| A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. |
| There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. |
