 Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. |
| Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. |
| Never accept a drink from a urologist. |
| Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. |
| Never have more children than you have car windows. |
| Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. |
| There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. |
| Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. |
| Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. |
| Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Topics: Marriage |
| I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. |
| Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. |
| For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. |
| Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. |
| Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? |
| Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. |
| What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? |
