 I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. |
| In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. |
| Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. |
| When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. |
| House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. |
| I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years." Topics: Children |
| Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. |
| Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. |
| The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. |
| In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. |
| I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Topics: Family |
| Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. |
| There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. |
| All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Topics: Children |
| I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. |
| If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. |
| Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. |
| Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. |
| One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. |
| Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. |
