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George Carlin Quotes

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George Carlin
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.


When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.


The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.


Think off-center.

    Topics: Short

Always do whatever's next.


Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.


Religion is just mind control.


I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.


I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.


Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


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