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Groucho Marx Quotes

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Groucho Marx
October 2, 1895 - August 19, 1977
Nationality: American
Category: Comedian
Subcategory: American Comedian

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.


A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.


Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!


One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.


Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.


If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.


It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.


Go, and never darken my towels again.


Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.


I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.


Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.


If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.


Room service? Send up a larger room.


Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.


Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.


I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.


Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.


A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.


Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.


I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.


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