 My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. |
| When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. |
| If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. |
| I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. |
| Marriage is the death of hope. |
| He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. |
| Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. |
| I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. |
| What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. |
| I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. |
| I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' |
| Eighty percent of success is showing up. |
| Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. |
| I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. |
| Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. |
| Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. |
| I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. |
| Tradition is the illusion of permanance. |
| My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. |
| Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? |
