 I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. |
| I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. |
| When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. |
| A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. |
| If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? |
| I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. |
| The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. |
| I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. |
| I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. |
| It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. |
| I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. |
| I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! |
| What a nice night for an evening. |
| I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. |
| Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? |
| If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. |
| I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. |
| I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. |
| I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. |
| If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? |
