| Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
| The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
| Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
| I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
| A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
| Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
| Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
| When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
| Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
| Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
| I never let schooling interfere with my education.
| We have the best government that money can buy.
| Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
| It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
| Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
| Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
| It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
| The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
| Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
| In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.